pumpkin full of smut

~~~ In an attempt to expand my readership beyond my girlfriend and her coworkers, I searched out directories where I could list my blogs. I quickly connected with several, posting my link and a brief description. All was going smoothly until I started filling out the Today.com submission form, running into a feature I hadn’t prepared for- choosing the best way to file my blogs from a list of categories. There’s no difficulty in doing this with Psychotic Reaction, since it’s a film journal, it nestled easily under the banner of “Movies”, sandwiched between a site dedicated to celebrity babies and one written by what most be the most positive, eager, would-be critics I’ve ever read (quote; “If you liked Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy, then you will love Talladega Nights”). I personally find celebrity progeny to be a subject even less interesting than celebrities; I’m also disinclined the generously apply three and four star ratings to every single movie ever made (I’ve failed to find one movie he didn’t absolutely love with near orgasmic fervor). But any cheap digs aside, this is good company for my little site, and I’m thankful to have found the appropriate niche for my own bizarre obsessions.



~~~Psychologists and common sense tell us that the first born tend to be the best behaved, so it was no surprise when my original site politely found its’ seat among fellow film blogs. What I hadn’t counted on was this site, Pumpkin Full Of Hate, would prove to be so difficult in defining. Reading through the different categories, I couldn’t find one that reflected what I was doing with this journal. There is, for instance, a category titled “Journals/Diaries”, which seemed a safe place, until I started reading what it offered. Not growing up with sisters, any interest I may have developed in reading the daily observations of the adolescent mind died on the vine. Ever the diplomat, I won’t single out any particular blog; but suffice to say, the three I read through were marked by an unselfconsciousness that seemed wholly disinterested in keeping the readers’ attention. Yes, if you were writing in a ‘real’ diary (the kind with a tiny pad lock, stored in your bedside table) it would be perfectly reasonable to casually mention people and events from your life that everyone else is ignorant of…when writing for yourself, you’re under no obligation to translate your private world for public comprehension. But by choosing to upload those personal musings into the (highly) public forum of the internet means you want to be read by someone other than your bratty little brother. I’m not saying it’s required that all writers be captivating storytellers, but it’s reasonable that they at least aspire to readability, to making sense to readers beyond their immediate circle of friends.

~~~At the top of the form you have to fill out to have your site promoted by Today.com is a list of restrictions regarding what kind of site should apply. Aside from the prohibiting of blogs that advocate hate, violence or criminal activity, and the ban on sites that contain only ads, there is a rule that has caused me some confusion; “Blogs with ANY sexual content, images or text must be placed in the Over 18 Only category”. While nothing I have written-or intend to write- could be categorized as pornographic, I’ve made passing reference to sexual topics, including text links to (humorous) smut. I might not have given this command more than a passing thought, if it were not for the fact that the author felt it such an important point that he or she typed out the adjective in all capital letters. In and of it self, the inclusion of “any”, even written normally, modifies the sentence to suggest that even a whiff of sexually arousing content will cause your site to be banned. YourDictionary.com defines “any” as “to any degree or extent; at all”; and while it is always confusing when a dictionary uses a word in it’s definition of itself, the meaning is still understood. Add to this the emphatic use of all capitals to spell out just how serious they are, and I found myself questioning the content of this website. Rereading my previous posts, there certainly are SOME passing references to sexuality, and SOME is a hell of a lot more then ANY. Suddenly aware of my role as a distributor of filth, I chose the Over 18 Only category to promote this site, comfortably placed along side a shallow, if well-titled, site, the tragedy of a gay republican, a public-service site and this disturbing one, which will cause me a world of trouble if my girlfriend opens the link.

~~~If the internet has taught us one thing, it is that people are jerking off to a wide and varied selection of stimulus. Growing up in the 1980s, the entirety of pornographic imagery was limited to the ubiquitous large-breasted blonde having one (or more) of her body openings filled. But no longer is our mastabatory enjoyment restricted to the tired cliches of Barbie Porn- we are now free to explore the farthest reaches of erotic fantasy. While I was researching my article on Mark Foley, I read through the IM’s, noticing a mention of cast fetishes. A quick Google search later, and the previously unknown appeal of nude women with plaster limbs was understood. Ever ask yourself what it would be like if Superman and Wonder Woman did it? Then go here. Wanna see a fairy perched on the head of a penis? Enjoy. Ever fantasize about a German girl popping balloons with her massive rear? It’s out there. Midget and a clown? Got it. What about all those cartoon characters that you loved as a child, want to see them naked? Go ahead. Is there a website dedicated to nothing but bizarre and disturbing porn? Of course, but I don’t recommend it. I could go on and on, but you get the picture. I’ve yet to find the thing that when typed into a search engine with the word “porn”, “sex”, “erotica” or “naked” doesn’t reveal at least a small community of dedicated perverts. Okay, one more- I typed in “hydrant sex”, and found this rather rude looking customer.
~~~So now my little blog has joined the great global institution that is internet porn. Keeping track of my hits, there certainly has been a rapid increase since in set-up the link from Today.com, all of them lasting about two seconds. I feel I’m somehow letting them down, by failing to provide the material they so desperately seek. Hopefully reading my unerotic postings does not too gravely cripple their desire, and they can continue their search for gratification. Perhaps some Goth Girl porn? Or, if you like, how about some hippies goofing around naked? To all my brief visitors looking for pornography; I understand this site doesn't offer what you are looking for, but please, feel free to visit again sometime when you're on-line for reasons other than self-abuse. Until then, Happy Halloween...twice!